Learning to listen
Dear Remora - I enjoyed your last post about Rick Rubin and listening But how can I improve my listening and conversation skills?
Sincerely,
Languishing Listener
Dear Languishing Listener - Listening is like alcoholism in one way - the first step is accepting that you have a problem. It sounds like you have already taken that first, difficult step. Most people believe that listening is like breathing - something they mastered long ago with little effort and there is no reason to practice in adulthood.
The truth is very different.
How often do you come away from a conversation feeling that you were really heard? How many people do you know who make you feel this way consistently?
Like you, I am a student not an expert in listening. I am working to become a better listener. Everyday. Each conversation is an opportunity to get better.
I am striving to be one of those people who routinely give others the gift of feeling heard. Too often I fall short of this goal.
Below I’ve outlined some insights on listening that I’ve learned from my own practice and reading. Some of these insights come from experts - the authors of some excellent books on effective listening and conversations which I’ve also linked to below.
The awkwardness of practicing
As a grown-up, it is awkward to focus on and practice something that you already do automatically everyday. It feels childish. You have more important things to do with your time, right?
But practicing is part of a growth mindset - the view that you are constantly learning, perpetually refining. As the author/psychologist Carol Dweck wrote, “The hallmark of successful people is that they are always stretching themselves to learn new things.” This is true even when it is awkward.
The talking part of listening
Opening the conversation - the start of a conversation is your opportunity to set the tone. For a high stakes conversation try practicing your opening out loud beforehand. Record yourself and listen to how you sound.
'I don’t want / I want’ statement - for difficult conversations consider making your intentions clear to the other person at the outset with an “I don't want / I want” statement. For example: “I don’t want to argue about what happened yesterday. I want to understand your perspective and how you’re feeling right now.”
Responding - once they talk less is usually more. Instead of sharing your own story or asking a lengthy question consider simply “could you say more about that?”
Reflecting back - this is one of your most powerful tools. Show you are listening by summarizing what you heard. Capture their feelings. For example, “it sounds like you are excited about this opportunity but you are nervous about where it could lead.”
Using your voice - you have three levers: volume, tone, pace. To use these levers effectively you have to first become conscious of them. If you are nervous, you are likely talking too fast. Slow down. To improve your tone, consider smiling while you talk.
The listening part of listening
Being present - truly listening to someone else requires quieting your own thoughts. An ongoing practice of meditation is one of the best ways to quiet your mind and focus on someone else. To get started, try using a meditation app like Headspace, Calm or Peloton.
Embracing silence - if you are truly focused on the other person then you are not formulating your response. This may mean a moment of silence once they stop talking. In this silence you can decide how best to respond to them. This silence can be awkward, especially in Western culture. But it is a powerful signal to the other person that you are actually listening and reflecting on their words.
Using your body to listen - the other person is determining if you are actually listening to them. They do this by watching your body. You can communicate that you are listening with how you sit, where you look and what you do with your hands. Try sitting still or leaning forward. Look them in the eyes. Sit still. Put away your devices.
Picking the venue - where you choose to talk will shape how you listen and what comes out of the conversation. Can you meet face-to-face? Do you meet in public or in a private place? Where will the other person be more comfortable? If meeting remotely, is video better than phone? Why?
More reading to improve your listening / conversations:
Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Granny, McMillan, Switzler
Breaks down how to approach the difficult conversations we all face.
Short-cut: Chapter 5 - Make it Safe
Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss
Lessons from a former FBI negotiator who led hostage negotiations.
Short-cut: find “mirroring” in the index, read those sections
You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen
A pioneer on research about conversations, Tannen has written a number of great books. This one is about the conversational styles of men versus women.
Short-cut: Chapter 1 - Different Words, Different Worlds
Non-violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
Don’t let the title throw you off. This book has become a movement and holds many useful lessons. Short
Short-cut: Chapter 3 - Observing Without Evaluating
Zen Mind, Beginners Mind by Shunryū Suzuki
A short book of speeches with helpful ideas for anyone new to meditation.
