The Two Types of People at Work (And How to Deal With Both)
I start the meeting by trying to build rapport … I ask about my colleague’s weekend and decide to share a personal story about mine only to have them abruptly respond with “So, what do you need today?”
Later that day, I lose patience with a different colleague’s endless small talk when I just need a quick answer.
Can you relate?
Then you are familiar with two fundamental personality types:
Relational people invest in building relationships even when there is no immediate payoff. They view getting to know others as valuable in itself.
Transactional people focus on extracting specific information to accomplish their goals and view relationship-building as secondary.
Neither approach is inherently better. The most effective people adapt their style to the situation and the person they are working with. But when you are trying to get a deal done with someone whose style differs from your own, tension is inevitable.
Here's how to recognize these different approaches and navigate the friction they can create.
Relational people & behaviors
My friend Aaron Verstraete collects relationships the way some kids collect seashells on the beach.
Aaron can tell you an interesting nugget about nearly everyone he works with: Paul in Marketing was featured in People magazine; Sasha in Operations was a pro tennis player, Mike in Finance won a Super Bowl ring, etc.
Like a squirrel, Aaron stores these nuggets of information and makes use of them when he spots the opportunity.
In conversations, relational people like Aaron tend to ask open-ended questions and they actively listen to the answers. They volunteer personal information about themselves and, in doing so, invite others to do the same. They create a sense of connection with others.
If relational people had a mascot, it might be Ted Lasso. In a memorable scene during season 1, Ted shares his outlook: “For me success is not about the wins and losses, it is about helping these young fellas be the best version of themselves on and off the field.”
Transactional people & behaviors
Compare Aaron with my more transactional friend. Let’s call him Rob. You likely know a Rob. You may know several.
When Rob calls or texts, it is typically because he needs something - an introduction, a job referral or a donation.
Highly-transactional people, like Rob, tend to view relationships through the lens of cost-benefit analysis. In conversations, they get right down to business. They listen to extract specific information of use to them.
If transactional people had a mascot it might be Gordon Gecko from Wall Street. In the film, Gordon is a cut-throat investor who says “If you need a friend, get a dog.”
Why most people are both
Rob may sound like an ass. And Aaron like an angel. But it is not that simple.
Aaron can be transactional in certain circumstances. We all can. And there are situations where Rob is highly-relational. Also, it is inaccurate to suggest that women are relational and men are transactional.
In reality, the most effective men and women switch throughout the day between relational behaviors and transactional behaviors depending on context. A cross-functional meeting before a high-stakes deadline demands a more transactional leader. A team meeting following a layoff requires a relational approach.
How to handle transactional and relational people
Navigating transactional and relational people is about leading productive conversations. This requires a thoughtful approach before, during and after the conversation.
Before the conversation
Know thyself - Reflect on what mindset are you in - more transactional or relational? Define some realistic goals for the conversation.
Do your homework - What type of personal are you dealing with, more transactional or relational? If you do not know, who can you ask? What can you find online?
Prep your questions - Your questions one of your most powerful tools for steering an effective conversation. Write them down beforehand.
During
Both relational and transactional people have one thing in common: they both want to be heard. But few people actually listen. That is your opportunity.
Three techniques to ensure you are actually listening AND make your partner feel heard:
Summarizing - Restate what you heard from the other person and ask for confirmation that you have understood them correctly. This is as simple as “could I play back what I’ve heard from you to make sure I understand?”
Mirroring - Repeat the last few words they say. If they share “Our highest priority this year increasing retention.” You simply respond “increasing retention” This kind of mimicry may sound crazy at first. But mirroring can be very effective. in a study, waiters who mirrored collected 68% more in tips.
Listening with your body - Words are just one vehicle to demonstrate that you are listening. Great listeners use their whole body to listen, even when they do not agree with the other person. They make eye contact. They nod their head as they listen. They lean their forward into the conversation. They use their voice (pitch, volume, pausing).
After
Follow-up - After an important conversation, send a note expressing your appreciation and show you were listening by summarizing your take-away(s). For this note, consider what medium will land best - email, text, instant message, or handwritten card.
By preparing beforehand, listening actively and following-up dilignetly you can achieve an effective conversation with any partner, transactional or relational. But a conversation is a means to an end, not an end in itself. Your impact ultimately lies in what actions you take based on the conversation.